Article 7001 of alt.humor.best-of-usenet: From: Louis Patterson Newsgroups: alt.humor.best-of-usenet Subject: [aus.tv] Lord of the Dance -- a bloke's perspective Followup-To: alt.humor.best-of-usenet.d Date: 28 Nov 1997 16:37:59 +0100 Organization: best of usenet humor Lines: 208 Sender: rob@redwood.nl Approved: ahbou-mod@acpub.duke.edu Message-ID: NNTP-Posting-Host: hp01.redwood.nl X-Disclaimer: The "Approved" header verifies header information for article transmission and does not imply approval of content. See .sig below. X-Submissions-To: ahbou-sub@acpub.duke.edu X-Posting-Moderator: rob@redwood.nl (Rob J. Nauta) X-FAQ-Is-At: ftp://rtfm.mit.edu/pub/faqs/best-of-usenet-humor X-For-FAQ-Mailto: ahboufaq@eey.org Path: matra.meer.net!news.spies.com!nntp1.jpl.nasa.gov!news.uoregon.edu!hammer.uoregon.edu!news.algonet.se!news.maxwell.syr.edu!EU.net!sun4nl!news.Amsterdam.NL.net!lx02!hp01!not-for-mail Xref: matra.meer.net alt.humor.best-of-usenet:7001 Subject: Lord of the Dance -- a bloke's perspective From: j.stokes@bogus-address.anu.edu.au (Jason Stokes) Newsgroups: aus.tv Hey, did you catch that "Lord of the Dance" on the telly on Tuesday? I tell you it was goin' off! Yeah mate, it's kinda like the sequel to Riverdance, only Riverdance didn't give Michael Flatley the single spotlight star treatment he deserved so he did a new one. I thought it might have been a cheap knockoff, you know how it is, but now that I've seen it I reckon this one is _even better_, 'cos it had everything Riverdance had, only, like, _more so_. For example, Riverdance had all these hot babes, you know the ones, and they all wore really short frocks and sexy pantyhose and danced up and down so you could see their legs and their panties... well, "Lord of the Dance" had that as too, only the costumes were tighter and shorter, and they even wore latex! Hot! My girlfriend, I've told you about her before, she thought the costumes were really tacky, but I told her I guy should be allowed to appreciate a little latex if he wants to. She threw a pillow at me and told me not to bother coming to bed tonight. Nah, it wasn't as bad as all that -- she's a cracker really, no worries there -- she just has her little moods. She was in a really weird one last night. I'm watching the show when my girlfriend looks really intently at the screen, and then she picks up a pen and a piece of paper and starts scribbling notes! I ask her what she's writing and she says that this is actually dynamite stuff and she's taking notes to show her tutorial in feminist semiotics at the Uni.... Yeah, she's been doing that for a while now. She always comes home real excited and tries to explain it to me but I can't understand none of it but. She reckons that this show is actually really illuminating for the, whatsit, the "hidden patriarchal codes of dance" or something. After the show finished she says she can explain what the story was about. I thought I already got all the story -- it wasn't hard or nothing -- but she reckoned there was all kinds of subtle stuff going on. But we didn't have time to go into it at that point because Star Trek Deep Space Nine was coming on. To cap off a perfect night, it was even the famous one with the lesbian kiss between Dax and her ex-lady lover! (The lover came from the days when Dax used to be a man of course.) More sexy women in lycra! My girlfriend reckoned that the episode was, I quote, "an equivocal piece that lacked all courage", but after watching the scene she said she felt like going to bed after all, so I that was OK! (I think she fakes things sometimes to tease me.) But anyway, I wanted to tell you about this dance show. It has a really great opening. First comes this little genie character. I'm not sure if we're supposed to find her sexy -- she's a bit young, I think -- but she moves kinda sensuously anyway, and plays a tune on her flute to start the show. It's the title song, "Lord of the Dance." It's a lucky chance that they picked a song everyone already knows from primary school, eh! She's got this glitter in her hands, and she throws it in the air to symbolize magic (even I got that part.) Then all the girls come out, in their pretty dresses, and start dancing in the way we've come to know and love, while the music builds up and up. They have a leader who wears white. I guess that means she's pure, but she looks really sexy to me, with really nice boobs and blonde hair and all. They all scatter when Michael Flatly, the _real_ star of the show, comes out, which my girlfriend says encoded feminine deferrance to powerful masculine authority, but I ignored her because he's the star of the show, what's wrong with grabbing all of the limelight? He struts all over the stage, it's incredible! It's lucky he's such a good dancer or he'd seem really, like, egotistical doing it. He flirts with the girl in white for a while, which is really important (hate to get all technical on you) forshadowing for something that happens later in the show. The girls come on again to do a really hot floaty routine, but there's more than just girls in this show. There are some really sinister looking guys as well. They have a leader who wears braces and all his men are really sinister white young blonde Aryans in black clothes with four-leaf clover symbols and masks, kinda like a Hitler youth meeting or something. They moved like Hitler youth too, with their martial beats and rigid movements. My girlfriend explained "this is a contrast between the stereotypical soft light feminine and hard black masculine." She goes on like that all the time, but I'll let you into a secret. I know she enjoyed that bit because she actually secretly likes bad guys! Just mention Morden from Babylon 5 some time and watch her eyes light up. Then this dark sultry girl in red comes on. She does a really sensual dance, and even I know what _she_ symbolizes! I'm glued to the screen, not the least because some of the shots of those high kicks go right up her skirt! Some violins come on after that, but I won't tell you about them because I want to get to the next number, when it gets really interesting. The pure girl in white comes on with her girls, but the sultry one is there as well. The sultry one starts a really hot dance right in front of her, showing off her power to the pure one right in front of the girls! The red one is pretty bad! She's challenging the pure one's authority _and_ her womanhood! The white one fights back with a dance of her own, but she just isn't as captivating and sexy as the one in red! It looks really bad for the white one. I fact, I thought she'd had it. But suddenly she grabs her white dress and rips it right off, and the whole of her backing line rip _their_ dresses off too! My eyes nearly popped from my head while they start power pumping in their hot black underwear! What a coup! There's no way the bad girl could match that! I'm worried if she hasn't overstepped the line though -- I ask my girlfriend if that means she isn't really pure anymore. My girlfriend says that although she's close to the edge, purity is more flexible these days and the current rules say she can remain pure so long as she properly defers to the masculine Lord and doesn't use her sexuality to exhibit Power. I think she's right, actually -- I mean, every guy who knows a nice girl fantasizes that underneath that pure facade there's a raving sex-beast underneath, but that doesn't mean he wants her to be that way outside his control! She might leave him, or control him, or sleep around, or something. She wouldn't be loyal, that's for sure! Then Michael struts onto the stage with his own mob -- _more_ white blonde young Aryans! But these are the _good guy_ white blonde young Aryans. They dance pretty much the same way as the bad guys, but they aren't wearing the four leaf clover symbol and they aren't wearing the masks. They still drip with masculinity and power, though, which is good because it impresses the good _girl_ white blonde young Aryans enough for them to want to dance with them. The Lord of the Dance is there and he struts to the good girl leader, and, in my girlfriend's words, "promises to thrust his thick hard black masculine yang into her soft white yielding yin." Never mind that, all you have to understand is that because the pure one won the face-off, the Lord picks her as his girlfriend. I reckon the sultry one must be pretty jealous about that! But there seems to be a bit of a reconciliation, because in the next dance both of them are on stage alone dancing together! In fact, they seem really interested in each other! They were flirtatious enough that I thought they'd really get busy, but no, they end up getting two guys each to dance with them. I guess they save the girl-girl stuff for backstage -- wish I was there to watch! My girlfriend couldn't be certain, but said that this probably symbolized two things -- the sublimated allure of the Lesbian as constructed in pornography, who is a woman who nonetheless intimately understands male desires and facilitates voyeuristic fufilment of them, and the Wife/Mistress divide. She reckoned that while the bad girl is dangerously sexual she has a powerful fascination for men because she symbolizes the ultimate Mistress to be feted and adored outside the Wife's view. Whatever. By now I couldn't decide which I'd like more -- wicked or pure -- and was beginning to wish for one of each, but I forgot about all that when the Lord of the Dance comes on to strut again! Incredible! The cheering tells us this is what the public paid to see! He struts even more when he realizes how much everyone loves him. I'm not gay or anything, but I reckon most girls must think he's pretty hot since he's so confident and all. My girlfriend didn't think he was hot, but she's already told me that her idea of a real man is kd lang. My girlfriend is really, really strange that way. Then the Genie comes out again, but the lighting is ominous. Pretty soon some bad guys come up and start doing a martial dance. They're going to hurt the little Genie! They grab the Genie's flute and start tossing it around. Then they break it! I knew the bad guys would do something nasty eventually, but it was still really really moving when it happened, because it was _more_ than a flute, it symbolized, like, magic itself you know? The Genie looks really sad, and my girlfriend explained that in her state of helplessness and need the girl demonstrates neotenous characteristics that evoke the idea of chivalrous male protection. I wasn't sure about that, but I knew who would be coming on to save the day. The Lord of the Dance and his followers! He confronts the bad guys and forces them to back down, and then he takes the flute from the Genie, puts it behind his back, and heals it! That's like, really clever, because the _real_ Lord of the Dance, y'know, Jesus, he healed things too! Next the girl in red and all the bad girls do a dance with the bad four leaf clover guys. I suddenly notice she isn't even a blonde Aryan like the others. In fact, it's clear she's the kind of slut who would hang out with bad guys like that. According to my girlfriend, all women who are overtly sexual become uncontrollable and get wrapped up in bad guys eventually, usually to their own downfall. It happens on the soapies as well. Because she's so jealous the girl in red is going to team up with the bad guys to hurt the Lord because he didn't choose her. The girl in red comes on stage in the middle of a dance with the pure girl and a few of her sisters. The Lord comes on and gets tempted over to the other side of the stage by the red girl. But then he treats her roughly and pulls her hair. My girlfriend explained the next bit. The girl in red was bad because she exposed her overt sexuality to public view. Unlike the girl in white who was all skittish and fluttery around her lover, the girl in red was all arrogant and sexual and trying to take control by exploiting her sensual power. No wonder he had to pull her hair! He couldn't let her get any leverage over him! He wasn't like he was with the pure one, he treated her all gentle and loving like a good girl deserves to be treated. But even though the Lord rejects her, the red girl has led him far enough -- the bad guys spring a trap! They grab him and put him in a big machine and he plunges down into the earth. The bad guys enjoy themselves for a while, but then the Genie comes on and sprinkles her magic dust. The Lord bursts out of the ground and challenges the bad guys again! My girlfriend reckoned that that meant that he actually died and rose from the dead, but that sounded a bit blasphemous to me -- after all, Jesus is the only one who can rise from the dead. I pointed out that he could have just been imprisoned and escaped when the genie cast her magic. My girlfriend said this was an OK interpretation, but actually we were both right -- it was a deliberate ambiguity, a "point of uncertainty" orchestrated to avoid committing to either interpretation in order to both enhance the mystery and avoid giving offense. The fight is really spectacular. Michael does lots of really cool moves -- I even reckoned I saw him move like Bruce Lee at one point! Now that he's reborn, he beats all the bad guys and the white girl comes on as his prize. There's a _big_ routine at the end with lots of encores. What a great ending! My girlfriend reckoned it was corny patriarchial pap, but she says that about everything. I thought it was fantastic, and I reckon you all should go and see it now that it's touring here. I'm going myself, and I'm gonna take my girlfriend too whether she likes it or not. She might pretend to be all superior, but I know she secretly likes a bit of downmarket rough.. or what is she doing with me? Observing me or something? -- Moderators accept or reject articles based solely on the criteria posted in the Frequently Asked Questions. Article content is the responsibility of the submittor. Submit articles to ahbou-sub@acpub.duke.edu. To write to the moderators, send mail to ahbou-mod@acpub.duke.edu.