Article: 63831 of alt.support.depression
From: xsxsxs@freeuk.com (DOG)
Newsgroups: alt.support.depression
Subject: state of mind @ 29/06/03 16:16
Date: 29 Jun 2003 08:16:23 -0700
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Current state of mind is a feeling of being adrift | bereft of
something, disorientated | awkward | uncertain.  Something is missing
but I do not know what it is.  A feeling of being in limbo |
purposeless.  A feeling of emptiness | disconnection.

What is missing?
I lack a sense of purpose | direction | intention | meaning to things
| desire | motivation | certainty | clarity.
I don't feel myself in a sense.  I don't know what to do (with
myself).  I have a need for something but I don't know what it is. 
Food | Cigarettes are all attempts to fill the emptiness, to satisfy
the need, to compensate for something.  I want to sleep, to forget, to
wake up later and perhaps feel better, more with it, more at ease.

A sense of pressure in my head.  A desire | need to cry, to release |
relinquish | let go | let down | stop carrying it all, just for a
while.  A desire to escape.  I feel this urgent sense of having to get
on | get things done | not let time / opportunity pass me by | move
forwards | accomplish | achieve.  I feel all the time that I am not
doing so I am slipping back | failing | sinking | getting myself mired
in greater difficulty as a consequence | losing out | decreasing |
diminishing | losing control | falling | getting weaker.

When I get up and try and get on with something (that is not directly
to do with trying to solve my problems) I experience all the above. 
It all seems pointless | futile, the mountains too high and I can't
see over the top to sunnier times.  It just goes on and on and on and
on without end.  Sometimes I think it would be nice if I could
actually get somewhere in the sense of ‘making a vital breakthrough' -
suddenly finding myself on a distant shore from where I can look back
and say ‘Now I know what it is, what the problem was, and now I'm
free'.  It hasn't happened yet though.

xs