Article 40 of net.humour.funny: Path: matra.meer.net!news1.best.com!news.clues.com!news.cetis.hvu.nl!newsgate.cistron.nl!het.net!news-xfer.mccc.edu!bonkers!not-for-mail From: Vince Sabio Newsgroups: net.humour.funny Subject: Reasons It's Great to be a Guy Date: 18 Jan 1998 23:50:45 -0600 Organization: Little to None Lines: 118 Sender: daemon@taronga.com Approved: peter@taronga.com,HumourNet@telephonet.com Distribution: 4gh Message-ID: <69upjl$6j8@bonkers.taronga.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: localhost.taronga.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Xref: matra.meer.net net.humour.funny:40 [Moderator's Note: It is VERY difficult to pick out the best ones from a list like this; they're all winners. But 53 and 59 really did it for me. And 29, too. And 56. And 87. And ... ] 01) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 02) Movie nudity is virtually always female. 03) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. 04) Monday Night Football. 05) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives. 06) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. 07) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight. 08) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. 09) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying. 10) All your orgasms are real. 11) Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards). 12) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. 13) You can go to the bathroom without a support group. 14) Your last name stays put. 15) You can leave the hotel bed unmade. 16) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. 17) You can kill your own food. 18) The garage is all yours. 19) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 20) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow. 21) You never have to clean a toilet. 22) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes. 23) Sex means never worrying about your reputation. 24) Wedding plans take care of themselves. 25) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. 26) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. 27) You don't have to shave below your neck. 28) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. 29) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. 30) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices. 31) You can write your name in the snow. 32) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest. 33) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. 34) Chocolate is just another snack. 35) You can be president. 36) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. 37) Flowers fix everything. 38) You never have to worry about other people's feelings. 39) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours. 40) You can wear a white shirt to a water park. 41) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. 42) Foreplay is optional. 43) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. 44) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. 45) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. 46) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by. 47) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. 48) Car mechanics tell you the truth. 49) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut. 50) You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking, "He must be mad at me." 51) The world is your urinal. 52) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you. 53) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 54) One mood, all the time. 55) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. 56) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy. 57) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. 58) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing. 59) Same work ... more pay! 60) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. 61) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. 62) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75. 63) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back. 64) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries -- at least in theory. 65) The remote control is yours and yours alone. 66) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. 67) ESPN's SportsCenter. 68) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. 69) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. 70) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. 71) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. 72) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. 73) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed. 74) Someday you'll be a dirty old man. 75) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." 76) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. 77) Princess Di's death was just another obituary. 78) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood. 79) The idea of punting a small dog is funny. 80) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room. 81) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet. 82) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind. 83) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. 84) Not liking a person won't stop you from having great sex with them. 85) Your pals can be trusted to never trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" 86) There's always a game on somewhere. 87) Baywatch --- Submitted to net.humour.funny by: John Darlington __________________________________________________________________________ Selected by Vince Sabio, net.humour.funny moderator. Mail your submissions to . (Please do not remove copyright info! Send author credits for unattributed posts to .) Mail your complaints to . ;-)