Article 81 of net.humour.funny: From: Vince Sabio Newsgroups: net.humour.funny Subject: Rules of Etiquette for Experienced Cats Date: 5 Mar 1998 00:26:25 -0600 Organization: Little to None Lines: 49 Sender: daemon@taronga.com Approved: peter@taronga.com,HumourNet@telephonet.com Distribution: 4gh Message-ID: <6dlgih$oii@bonkers.taronga.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: localhost.taronga.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Path: news1.meer.net!nntp2.ba.best.com!news1.best.com!news.cs.jhu.edu!info.usuhs.mil!news.misty.com!news-xfer.mccc.edu!bonkers!not-for-mail 1) If you have to throw up, get onto a chair quickly. If you can't manage this in time, get onto an oriental rug. Shag is also good. (Blakat's addendum: The bed at 4 AM is best.) 2) Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the entire evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better. 3) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors that contrast with your own. 4) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything--just sit and stare. 5) For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings, or a quick nip on the ankles. 6) Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on your hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it isn't necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather or mosquito season. 7) If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy person. For book readers, get in close under the chin unless you can lie across the book itself. 8) For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table--pens, pencils, stamps--one at a time. 9) Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing between 2 am and 4 am. 10) When the humans are eating, make sure to leave the tip of your tail on a plate when they aren't looking. --- Submitted to net.humour.funny by: Melissa F. Miller __________________________________________________________________________ Selected by Vince Sabio, net.humour.funny moderator. Mail your submissions to . (Please do not remove copyright info! Send author credits for unattributed posts to .) Mail your complaints to . ;-)