Article 74 of net.humour.funny: From: Vince Sabio Newsgroups: net.humour.funny Subject: The Top 16 Top 5 (AKA: The Top^2 80) Date: 27 Feb 1998 23:29:48 -0600 Organization: Little to None Lines: 134 Sender: daemon@taronga.com Approved: peter@taronga.com,HumourNet@telephonet.com Distribution: 4gh Message-ID: <6d87cc$btu@bonkers.taronga.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: localhost.taronga.com Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Path: news1.meer.net!nntp2.ba.best.com!news1.best.com!mercury.galstar.com!news.misty.com!news-xfer.mccc.edu!bonkers!not-for-mail The Top 16 Number 1 Entries from Top 5 Lists [ Selected from 50,000 submissions from 300 contributors. ] [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ] [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ] 16> From July 3, 1996 The Number 1 Rejected Children's Book... "Furious George Delivers the Mail" 15> From August 29, 1997 The Number 1 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line... "Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening with man-dew." 14> From December 11, 1997 The Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass." 13> From May 8, 1996 The Number 1 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Idea... CaCa Puffs 12> From July 25, 1996 The Number 1 Sign You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor... Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf." 11> From March 26, 1997 The Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-in... Barbie Wan Kenobie's Malibu Deathstar 10> From July 22, 1996 The Number 1 Thing Our Moderator Did on His Birthday... Sent himself flowers, took himself out to dinner, invited himself up for a drink, and damn near got lucky. 9> From October 22, 1997 The Number 1 Sign the Umpire is Losing It... After putting on mask, asks each batter, "Have the lambs stopped crying, Clarise?" 8> From October 21, 1996 The Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party... All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated. 7> From July 12, 1996 The Number 1 Indication You Won't Win Olympic Gold... Your competitor is referred to as "America's Sweetheart." You're referred to as "That little slut from Trenton." 6> From May 23, 1996 The Number 1 Failed Celebrity Endorsement Idea... The Stevie Wonderbra 5> From May 28, 1997 The Number 1 Pointless Commencement Address... Ross Perot: "There Are Live Clams in My Shorts and It's Scott Baio's Fault" 4> From December 6, 1996 The Number 1 Sign You Have Nothing to Do at Work ... The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish. 3> From June 7, 1996 The Number 1 Sign the Romance Has Gone Out of Your Marriage... Every morning is the same: Wake up, have your coffee, go retrieve your penis from the front yard. 2> From August 7, 1996 The Number 1 Sign Your Mate is Cheating on You... Amy Fisher shoots you in the head. AND: The Number 1 Number 1 Entry from a Top 5 List... 1> From July 24, 1996 The Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers... TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. --- Submitted to net.humour.funny by: Ann Sterling (Posted to net.humour.funny with permission of Chris White, Top5, Ziff-Davis, Monica Lewinsky, and Tonya Harding.) (Just kidding about Ziff-Davis, actually. They specifically requested that I *not* post it.) (Screw them; they work for Microsoft.) __________________________________________________________________________ Selected by Vince Sabio, net.humour.funny moderator. Mail your submissions to . (Please do not remove copyright info! Send author credits for unattributed posts to .) Mail your complaints to . ;-)